Entries tagged as ‘humor’
September 18, 2007 · 1 Comment
Gross New York bug
How did you get stuck in my light?
Was it your time? Did you follow the light
only to discover it wasn’t the pearly gates, or the rusted chain link fence, or whatever the cockaroach conception of heaven might be?
Gross New York bug
Why do you have so many legs?
And such long antennae
that scurried desperately in the confines of my light
while you sought a way out?
Gross New York bug
I’ve read that sleeping with your mouth open
means that you inadvertently swallow bugs in the night.
Please don’t ever crawl into my mouth, and scurry about
like you did in my light.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: humor, nyc, photos, poetry
that I can’t be successful in Financial Accounting until I stop giggling every time I think “tap dat asset” or start singing Fat Joe lyrics at the mention of “dividends.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: about me, accounting, humor, sipa
If you’re ever planning on spending a night out on the town in Manhattan, it’s ALWAYS best to pre-game. Even the diviest of dive bars (aka Karaoke bars on Canal Street) charge $6 for Corona’s and $8 for Whiskey Jameson…and if you go the straight liquor route you’ll always wake up the next morning with nothing more than a painful hangover and a wallet full of ATM receipts.
New York is definitely a cash city, and certainly there is lose aversion associated with every instance in which you’re forking over a Jackson and getting a Hamilton and two Washingtons in return.
In light of my new
mathlete status, I’ve posited the following polynomial function to help one estimate the amount of cash they will undoubtedly spend on any given night in Manhattan:
f(x) = x^2 + 5x + 20, where f(x) = Money spent and x = hours out
There are certain features of this equation to take note of: first, that it is a quadratic equation, meaning the longer you are out, the more rapidly you will start to spend. Of course, as you’re getting drunker, your loss aversion to handing over money decreases (especially after you’ve just had your student loans dispursed… hey-yo!!!)
Second, there is a linear component: for every hour you spend in Manhattan, some wallet tickler taxes you $5. He’s quick, with small hands, so you never really see him, but he’s paying Bloomberg’s salary.
Third, the constant number $20 is a fee you pay everytime you leave the apartment. It is impossible NOT to spend $20 just stepping outside for fresh air.
I gotta run to class, see you $20 later.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: bars, fun with math, humor, money, nyc, student loans
I’m always quietly amused whenever I check my Yahoo! account (strictly for fantasy football purposes) and the homepage is some news story (in the loosest definition of that term) that gives just enough information to pique the interest of a readership which is only two rungs higher on the evolutionary ladder than that of the New York Post.
Here’s exactly how this “biography” came to pass:
[Advisor]: Sir, you have historically low approval ratings, lower than any president in history.
[Bush]: Wapner.
[Advisor]: Sir, we’re going to have to do some intense public relations to make you a more sympathetic person, without having to reveal your dimensia.
[Bush]: (Wookie noise)
The ridiculously transparent and pathetic nature of this public image makeover attempt got me thinking: where does this rate on the “Ridiculously Transparent and Pathetic Public Image Makeover” scale???
The Ridiculously Transparent and Pathetic Public Image Makeover Scale
(Note: Ratings are from 1 to 10, 1 being “understandable and necessary” and 10 being “you’re making me uncomfortable and embarrassed just watching you trying to sell yourself in a new light.”)
1. Ellen Degeneres buys Converse, wears bed head pomade and white dress-suits with pants to reenter public sphere as “spunky funny lesbian” and not “emo Melissa Etheridge lesbian.”
2. Isiaah Washington goes on Larry King to say “I HAD A FREAKING GAG ORDER AND THEY STILL FIRED ME,” which he can’t actually say, because ABC would sue him.
3.
Jason Giambi “apologizes” to the New York media, without actually saying what he was apologizing for. You know, just that he was sorry. For the wink wink nudge nudge. And the flick flick poke plunge lift recover pick your bacne.
4.
Kobe apologizing for getting caught… er, cheating on his wife.
5. Vanilla Ice goes on “The Surreal Life,” because his “agent” (i.e. his boy Lil’ Dookey) told him the best way to stop people from making fun of him for being a wigger idiot 15 years ago is to establish his relative sanity in an environment of washed and boozed up D-list celebrities (on camera).
6. Paula Abdul launches a reality TV show so that the world can see the “real” her… only to discover that the “real” her is just as we all expected… a rich crack-whore on valium, 24/7.
7. Dave Chappelle goes on “Inside the Actors Studio” and “Oprah” to try to explain how he gets really, really high so much that he thinks crazy thoughts that nobody else could possibly relate to, and while we all think it’s hilarious, he is racked with inexplicable guilt and self-doubt.
8. Bush admits to crying, abandoning his tough cowboy demeanor as a pre-emptive application of vaseline for the wide loaded girth historians will leave behind while discussing his “legacy” for the next 18 months.
9. Clint Eastwood REALLY cries in “Million Dollar Baby,” instantly losing 7 decades’ worth of respect and admiration, so that he could win an Oscar. End of Western genre is officially demarcated shortly thereafter with the release of “Brokeback Mountain.”
10. Tom Cruise jumps up and down on Oprah’s couch, yelling “I’m in love!” If you could see beyond his widely set grin and squinting eyes, you’d find a self-loathing homosexual alien-robot.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: bush, comedy, entertainment, history, humor, sports
Yesterday we had a reception for incoming students (beer provided! Hooray for private schools!) and I signed up to be a contributing writer for The Morningside Post. (More to come on that front as it develops.)
I didn’t get a chance to meet with the student group that puts on an end of the year production called Follies, but given its snarky irreverancy targeted toward points of authority (see my latest post on financial aid), the group seems right up my alley. From Ivygate:
This time the story is set at Columbia University’s School of International and
Public Affairs, an institution that we imagine buys red tape by the mile. These
are students training to be parts of bureaucratic machinery. Navigating the
school’s rigid hierarchy, financial aid office, and shoddy advising system –
that’s just part of your education! At the very least, a few students saw enough
similarity between their school and the existential mudpit of The Office to
write and shoot their own remarkably faithful remake. It’s got the same
characters as the NBC version, only everyone is Columbia-fied: Michael Scott
burns time surfing J Date. Dwight denies students financial aid. The deans award
fellowships by picking out the cutest applicants’ photos and throwing darts at
the finalists to determine the winner. It’s worth a gander, but you’ll have to
fill out a permission request first.
This is fantastic! Al, clearly your advice to “be myself, but not FULLY myself” was misguided.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: columbia, financial aid, humor, sipa, snarky behavior, youtube
“Fit for the Classroom, Fit for the Hood”
Fall 2007 Product Line
Item #5 of 12: Timberland– Men’s Plaid Shorts
My college roommate works at Adidas. Part of his job is “scouting” early trends in urban fashion in New York, Boston, DC and LA, which he can bring back as inspiration to his designers in Portland, to guide them in their upcoming year’s fashion line.
Last year when my friend visited me in DC, we went to the “And1 Mixtape Tour” at the MCI Center, which of course, was a spectacle to behold. While we were there, he kept pointing out to me the plaid shorts people were wearing… I distinctly remember him telling me: “next year, plaid’s going to BLOW UP.”
And did it ever. Plaid became an integral fad from American Eagle and Abercrombie, to Diesel and Seven, to Sean Jean and Mark Ecko. Of course, the OG of plaid is the lumberjack outdoorsy labels, which is why we’re going Timberland here.
Is plaid “played out”? Maybe. But I give respect to the Timberland label, if for no other reason than the fact that their CEO’s were caught blindsighted when black urban youth started purchasing their merchandise, which was at the time being marketed to white weekend warriors. I’d like to say I’m contributing to dissolving stereotypes by bringing that cycle back around full circle. That, and raising the roof.
The Timberland Plaid Shorts can be purchased at the Pentagon City Macy’s for $20 on clearance.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: about me, fashion, fit for the classroom, fit for the hood, humor, nyc
(Note: I apologize if this is getting tedious, but I don’t have consistent internet access right now, and all of my worldly possessions are locked in a metal box in Harlem, so I don’t have much time to sit and ponder and write for the time being. Also, I find this extremely amusing.)
Item #4 of the 12-piece Fall 2007 “Fit for the Classroom, Fit for the Hood” fashion line is a cotton multi-striped crew neck by JoS. A. Bank.
There is a very simple equation when you’re shopping on a budget for cross-over fits that wear as well in the classroom as they do on the street:
- High End retailer + gaudy colors + last year’s line + size XL = HUGE DISCOUNT
Apparently this equation is a kept-secret within the fashion industry that was leaked in 1985 by someone within the Tommy Hilfiger organization, and most recently was leaked by someone within Lacoste. Today I share that the VERY SAME EQUATION works at Men’s clothier JoS. A. Bank.
“Fit for the Classroom, Fit for the Hood”
Fall 2007 Product Line
Item #4 of 12:
JoS. A. Bank — Men’s Multi Striped Cotton Crewneck
The multi colored blue cotton crew is an appropriate item on the Columbia University campus, since the school colors are some bastardized version of Tarheel blue and white.
Because it is a smidgen classier than previous items, the crew can be worn in dressier occasions (such as taking your girl out to Olive Garden, or going to Church) with creased khaki’s, wire framed glasses (no prescription, for decorative purposes only), and black sneakers.
The suggested retail for ths item is $95. However, with the aforementioned equation, the crewneck can be obtained on clearance for $9.45 plus tax.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: about me, fashion, fit for the classroom, fit for the hood, humor, nyc
“Fit for the Classroom, Fit for the Hood”
Fall 2007 Product Line
Item #3 of 12:
Brooklyn Industires– Men’s 80’s Style Goalie-sleeved T-shirt
Representing other burroughs is essential to any proper New York clothing ensemble, and this item from Brooklyn Industries fits the bill… although the baggy XL may not fit the man.
The all-over pattern on a cream background says “I can keep it clean” and will dissuade the casual observer from suspecting that you are, in fact, homeless and unemployed. The electric blue print emits a radiant energy that is particularly comforting in the doldrums of a dreary fall study session in the library, or a cold night in a cardboard box in Central Park.
This item is available on clearance for $15 at Brooklyn Industries (in-store only… hence the camera-phone photo). The BI label is perfect for hipsters looking to ironically capture the ostentatious nature of urban-wear without getting murdered.
I’m driving to Manhattan in style… Ford Expedition! It’s fun to pretend you are successful.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: about me, fashion, fit for the classroom, fit for the hood, humor, nyc
Yesterday I introduced my new fashion line: the Fall 2007 “Fit for the Classroom, Fit for the Hood” 12 item set. To be honest, the first item I presented was actually the third item purchased in the set, due to the aforementioned inclement weather.
Let’s return back to the first item, or inspirational piece:
This item was purchased by my soon-to-be former roommate Allison and our mutual friend Jackie, who was in town for our last house party. The theme of the party was “streets of DC,” so it seems appropriate that my “New York Starter Set” begins with a District original:
“Fit for the Classroom, Fit for the Hood” Fall 2007
Product Line Item #2 of 12:
Pepe Jeans– Men’s Ryan Cubic Dice T-Shirt
This T-shirt by Pepe Jeans is the epitome of iconic imagery denotating upper echelon “hood status.” The multi-faceted dice face evoke the complex intelligence of both Picasso and Mah-Jongg, and the surreal “7 count” dice reminds us at once of both Miro’s imagination and Ashy Larry’s gambling addiction. The dice themselves cluster together delicately amidst the galaxy of stars, reflecting the inter-connectedness and inter-dependence of the classroom and ghetto.
The suggested retail value of the Ryan Cubic Dice shirt is $40.00… however, this item can be found at the Prince George’s County Marshall’s for half that amount. The item displayed above is green with lime accents; the item I own is teal with orange accents, size XL.
UPDATE
I just found out that Jackie’s credit card information was stolen at the PG County Marshall’s… it is highly suggested that you purchase all of the “Fit for the Classroom, Fit for the Hood” items in cash.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: about me, fashion, fit for the classroom, fit for the hood, humor, nyc
During the three day span over which I pounded the pavement
searching for an apartment in Manhattan, the temperature somehow changed from 90 degrees and 85% humidity to 65 degrees and rainy… overnight. Needless to say, since I had only packed shorts and t-shirts for the trip, I was shit out of luck for this kind of unexpected weather. To accomodate myself, I went shopping for a hoodie.
Now: the sensation of shopping for expensive clothing while you’re a) unemployed and b) homeless, is exhilirating. Spending conspicuously with financial aid is like playing with the house’s money in Vegas, only you’re playing with your own mortaged money, which is really the government’s money… so I guess it’s YOUR money, John Q. Taxpayer. Thanks!
I have had some frivolous discussions with my roommate Al about doing a “New York Makeover” before I make the transition from DC. Such a makeover would entail trading in my stained and ratty slacks and button-downs, obnoxious pastel polos and cargo shorts, and third-generation hand-me-down-moth-infested shirts, for something “Fit for the Classroom, Fit for the Hood.”
With this “ghetto-eye for the asexual-guy” mentality, I present the first piece of my 12-piece wardrobe for the Fall of 2007:
“Fit for the Classroom, Fit for the Hood”
Fall 2007 Product Line
Item #1 of 12:
The North Face– Men’s Logan Full-Zip Hoody
This charcoal number has an all-over print of faux wood which says “Yo, I live wit my moms, but I still fly as hell.” The fleece inner-lining is a bold burgundy which causes “bitches to flock,” similar to an exotic bird, in nature.
The hoodie can be found at the “Harlem Outfitters” on 145th and Broadway. The sizes available on hand range from 2XLT to 8XLT, but if you’re nice to the store manager he might carry a L in the back. The price of the product is negotiable, but if you work it right (Spanish speaking is a plus) you can get it for $60 flat, with no additional taxes.
Stay tuned for items #2-12 to follow.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: about me, fashion, fit for the classroom, fit for the hood, humor, nyc
Gross New York bug
