Dropping Knowledge: where I “laymenize” an important aspect of social science.
The definitive list of “shockers,” by region. Please leave me a comment if I’ve missed one, and I will update appropriately. (Thanks to Ross and Al for contributing to this list).
UPDATE: I copyrighted this shit, and am selling it on CafePress:
http://www.cafepress.com/snarkybehavior
The baby bib and maternity shirt crack me up. Someone please buy these.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: art, comedy, dropping knowledge, humor, shocker
From: xxxxxxx
Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2007 12:31 PM
To: Everyone_
Subject: lose your Starbucks?There is a Venti Starbucks something that exploded in the upper microwave.
Belong to anyone?
Um yeah, that would be me.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: coffee, comedy, humor, starbucks, work
Point, Counterpoint: Where I internally argue two sides of a debate and determine a winner.
[First, housekeeping.] I’ve finally been blogging long enough where I can repeat some of the frameworks I’ve created for myself: Point, counterpoint; Reading Through the Lines; Snarky Heuristics; etc. I’ve also asked my friend Vicky to consider doing some graphic comics on a fairly regular basis… her stuff is really good, but she’s fallen off the horse because, I assume, she “does important things with her life” (yeah Vicky, I called you out). And I might start doing some book reviews (a la Rohit) to supplement the Amazon recommendations I’ve created in the side-bar to the right.
This week’s Point, Counterpoint is on a timely topic. In the life of every American boy, there are exactly two compulsory decisions he must make: whether or not to sign up for selective service (or move to Canada), and whether or not to donate his sperm, to make a quick buck.
The grounds on which the latter decision is made are based on the four following factors: financial desperateness (25%); degree of delusional self-rationalization (15%); likelihood of recognizing off-spring in future (35%); and sexual behavior trade-offs (25%):
Financial Desperateness: Usually the “gateway factor,” financial desperateness is what turns a fanciful day-dream into a cup-in-hand reality. It varies for each individual, and like religion, it’s a question one can only answer for oneself.
In my current situation, after two years of living the single/low rent/no kids lifestyle, I now find myself transitioning to full-on “starving student mode.” This is accompanied by a tightening of the chest, a severe drop in weight, and multiple desperate get-rich quick schemes (see: Example A., “Apartment Viewer.”)
So am I financially desperate? Clearly. 25 Points, Pro-Donation.
Degree of delusional self-rationalization: As in, degree to which you tell yourself, “you know, I could really help someone out there.” There could be some lesbian couple, or some infertile husband, who would really, genuinely like to raise the end-product of my cowpers- covered DNA.
Look, on paper, I’m a fairly attractive genetic specimen. I went to good schools, have high test scores, am fairly tall, healthy, etc. Without sounding too cocky, I gotta think that of the kinds of people donating sperm for money, I’d be in the 90th percentile of worthwhile donors. (Which is another way of saying: I’d probably medal in the Crack-head Olympics).
So that’s the line you sell yourself. “I can really help someone here!” What I fail to realize, of course, is that the outcome of any zygote initiated by one of my egg-seekers is the following:
I don’t want that on my conscience. 15 Points, Anti-Donation.
Likelihood of Recognizing Offspring in the Future- Not to sound too callous here, but if the above child manages to survive a brutal elementary school experience while being raised by two mommies, I don’t want him knocking on my door in 15 years seeking a paternal role-model. And I certainly don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing double-takes on kids who look like they might have spawned from my test-tube/turkey baster. 35 Points, Anti-Donation.
Sexual Behavior Trade-Offs- Sperm donation requires donors to “ abstain from sex or masturbation for three days’ before each donation so that sperm numbers build up to a maximum.”
Not even worth it. 25 points, Anti-Donation.
Final Tally: 75 Points, Anti-Donation. Which is why I’ve never done it. But, pending a precipitous decline in sexual appetite, or a convincing self-argument, the possibility remains that I could be at the local sperm bank in the not-to-distant future. Watch out now!
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: comedy, humor, job, point-counterpoint, snarky behavior
Snarky Heuristics: Where I snarkily define rules of thumb for social situations and occassions.
THROWING A PARTY
Introduction – “If you want to know a man’s character,” goes the proverb, “show me his friends.” I’ll add to that: “If you want to get to know a man’s friends, go to his next house party.” The following list represents some rules of thumb for throwing a good one (and avoiding a bad one).
“Keep it simple, stupid” – A memorable party offers its guests three things: get drunk, get high, and get laid.
I personally don’t partake in the second two activities… the former, voluntarily and the latter, involuntarily. (Seriously. It’s getting to the point where I might have to claim to have “found God” just to save face.) But for most people, these three will suffice. This rule of thumb is like a doctor telling a patient “drink lots of fluids and get plenty of rest.” Or like gold, myhrre and frankincense… just absolute staples.
“Gay DJ will ruin the day” – If you have a large contingency of gays at your party, it’s very important that you KEEP THEM AWAY FROM THE PLAYLIST. What seems like a harmless creep from “All Night Long” to “Bootylicious” will always result in a RENT sing-a-long, if left unchecked. The straights will uncomfortably self-segregate away from the mos, and you’ll be left with some strange sexual orientation version of an arranged Indian marriage reception.
It’s best to stick with staple cross-overs like Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado, Madonna, the Venga Boys, etc. Only half-kidding about that last one. (I call these “cross-overs” because I personally like them and I’m straight. Hetero men have to take such risks, like wearing pink shirts, to avoid getting pigeon-holed into pleated pants and Bruce Springstein. These are important social statements I’m telling you.)
“Don’t Invite Your Newly Discovered Long-Lost Illegitimate Family Relations” – If your uncle is trying to outreach to his estranged illegitimate son, and asks you to help him in this venture, it might seem like a good idea to invite the bastard cousin to your party. But before you do, make sure he’s not some sketchy damaged goods foster kid who’s going to puke in your kitchen, throw bottles of SoCo into your back alley, and piss off your balcony. I’M JUST SAYING.
“Take two of these, and walk it out” – Thank the lord for DJ Unk and Andre 3000. I walk it out [repeated 7 times].
“Axe body spray just makes it worse” – If you’re trying to mask a particular odor for the benefit of your guests (say, hypothetically, musky body odor or wafting puke), Axe body spray will make your apartment distinctly smell like puke masked with Axe body spray.
Turns out, those commercials of girls attacking guys wearing cheap colone sprayed out of a pressurized can are exaggerating(?). To be more accurate, the commercials should just show girls at a party, standing in a circle, flaring their nostrils and wildly darting their eyes, trying to locate the man stank in the room full of people.
Now, if you’re wearing Axe body spray, it might “throw them off your scent,” in the most literally sense of that phrase. It’ll buy you a minute, maybe two tops, before they figure out that you’re the source of BOTH stenches. If in that minute’s time you get a girl to roll down a mountain with you, God bless you for it.
“Late arriving house guests are not to be trusted… in general” - The following chart is a graphical representation of “magnitude of sketchiness” as measured by the time of arrival of your house “guest” to your party.
The graph demonstrates that while it is perfectly acceptable to arrive at 12 am or earlier, a 1 am arrival indicates a small degree of sketchiness (i.e. you were clearly out some place before and are party hopping); a 2 am arrival is very sketchy (i.e. party-crasher after bars close); a 3 am arrival is extremely sketch (bars closed + late night eats); and a 4 am arrival is the by far the god damned sketchiest thing ever (i.e. ????).
Now, the key to screening random shadesters from your party is to call them out by asking them who they know at the party. (Note: don’t give shadesters an either/or option… they will clearly lie, as demonstrated by the following scenario):
[My roommate, to 3 am arrival]: “I’m sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met. Who do you know here? Ross or Jon?
[3 am arrival]: Uh, Jon.
[Jon, standing behind the 3 am arrival, wildly shakes his head and mouths "I DON'T KNOW THIS GUY."]
Screening randoms is especially important if you already live on top of or next to a locale that already tends to attract sketch-balls, such as, for instance, a tattoo parlor. Also important: as the party host, you have to stay up late to monitor the party until all of the gypsy rift-raft have departed, lest you wake up the next morning sans i-Pod and laptop (sorry, Adosh).
And those, my friends, are just a few of the many helpful hints we’ve learned from experience and imbued to you, to help refine this Vie Bohemme existence we find ourselves in.
I WALK IT OUT [x7].
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: comedy, dc, humor, parties, roommates, snarky heuristics
So my incoming classmates at SIPA have been introducing themselves via a list-serv, which makes me feel incredibly unaccomplished. These young men and women come from all over the world, have worked in all kinds of capacities, doing incredible things…and then there’s me. Until 6 months ago, my resume still had “scratch bowler” under “additional skills.”
One thing that is very amusing about the list-serv is how people use it to share their collective anxieties (apparently I’m not the only one who feels like a fraud). This is most prevalent around the math placement exam we will be taking during orientation… several e-mails from the international development and security studies crowd freaking out (”does anyone know EXACTLY how much math we are expected to know??], since for some it’s been 10+ years since they’ve touched serious math.
Of course, even though I can relate to it on one level, I find the group therapy aspect of “omg omg Calculus!” to be highly comical. If you really wanted the definitive answer, you’d just e-mail the university, right? But the list-serv is as much about reassurance and fraternizing as it is about sharing information (which also, by the way, is the distinguishing characteristic between web 1.0 and web 2.0).
So, with the intention of cutting some of the tension, I submitted the following message:
Does anyone know how to do the Harlem Shake? I would like to learn before moving to the UWS… I am nervous that my dancing skills may be currently insufficient. I haven’t really danced since my freshman year of college (aside from some pathetic attempts to learn salsa while in Cuba), and may be out of practice.Thanks,
Jon
PS I need a place to live too, and maybe a math tutor, but dancing instructor is paramount.
Now, either: a) everyone in my incoming class thinks I’m a huge idiot or b) I helped to abate the tide of anxiety and insecurity that festers inside of driven people, before it boiled over. I suspect the former, since nobody has responded to my message. But I am hoping for the latter.
What would you think of the guy who sent this? Clever? Douche? Is it too sincere? Unprofessional? Not funny?
And for the record, there’s absolutely no way I could ever do the Harlem Shake, it’s not even worth trying, but I could probably learn the Chicken Noodle Soup dance.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: comedy, harlem, new york city, sipa
I had an amazingly productive day at work. We’ll call this spurt of enthusiasm the “surge” before the inevitable withdrawal.
In spite of my newly rediscovered work ethic, I managed to squeeze in some conversations extremely high in comedic value:
PIMPING 101
[the following conversation took place between 2:39 - 3:25 PM]
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37 minutes |
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6 minutes |
WOMEN AND SANDWICHES FIRST
[the following conversation took place between 2:06 - 2:09 PM on GMail chat]
DENNIS MILLER, LIVE!
[the following conversation took place between 2:55 - 2:59 PM on GMail chat]
SHITTING TO THE OLDIES
[the following conversation took place between 1:06 - 1:08 PM on GMail chat] 1:06 PM prime:further evidence of the fall of civilization
All of which reminds me how hilarious all of my friends are. If anyone wants to write anything for roughly 50 or so daily slackers but is too lazy to start their own blog, I’d be happy to post it for you.
–Jon
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: about me, comedy, humor, work
Dear Sir: Where I write an open letter as a healthy outlet for my anti-authoritarianism, and for the amusement of my friends.
Dear United States District Court for the District of Columbia,
I recently received my summons for jury service. As instructed, I filled out the required information and sent it to your office in the mail. That was roughly six weeks ago.
Recently, when I used your online system to check my reporting status, I was told the following:
As of today, your jury questionnaire, was not received in time to process. Therefore, you are NOT required to report and NO PENALTY will be imposed against you. However, you will be re-summoned again in the future. The Court thanks you for your cooperation on this matter.
While I was not exactly “enthused” about my civic duty in the first place, and do not necessarily lament the resulting deferral, I must admit I am rather surprised that six weeks was not ample time to enter my data into your system.
For two years during college I worked as a research assistant, and my primary responsibility was data entry. No matter how tired I was, or how stressed I might be, or how much I had drank the night before, I never considered this line of work to be even remotely difficult. It was so easy, in fact, that to this day I fail to understand why Mexican day-laborers pine for landscaping jobs when they could make twice the money scribing information from paper to spreadsheet.
At the risk of sounding presumptuous, I would even venture to guess that data entry is so easy, a DC civil servant could do it. Even those educated in your school system.
Now, to be fair, I understand that you are probably working at near-capacity processing jay-walking tickets and legitimate lawsuits. And it must be disheartening going through the process of selecting jurors when their decisions are being summarily dismissed, anyway.
Still though, six weeks is a long time. You already had most of my information anyway, from my drivers license. Oh wait! You suspended that indefinitely until my jay-walking contest is resolved. (You know…because I’m a danger behind the wheel, as demonstrated by my reckless walking habits. Sometimes, I even have a BAC over .08 when I walk.)
And while I do appreciate you not imposing some sort of penalty against me for your failing to process my information, what’s with the ominous “you will be re-summoned in the future”? Can I get a date range please? Believe it or not, people generally like to travel in the summer between June 29 and July 16. But that’s ok, I wanted to block out that window of my summer anyway. Sweaty guys like myself live for high heat and humidity.
All of this hassle so I could register to vote in a city whose motto is “Taxation without Representation.”
As it turns out, I am moving to New York, a real city where people do things like “work.” I’ll be sure to write and let you know how that is.
Sincerely,
Jonathan Franklin Host
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: about me, comedy, dc, dear sir, humor, jury duty
This isn’t a comprehensive list, but off the top of my head:
Things that are less attractive than Joakim Noah:
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: college basketball, comedy, humor, joakim noah, list, nba, sports, ugliness
I was on strict orders from my boss to create one of these:
Her: “You look like you’re hung-over.”
Me: “That’s how I always look.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: about me, art, comedy, simpsons, work
One of the most common questions I get living on the East Coast is: “why would you ever leave California to move here?”
It’s a fair question. Having lived here in DC now for close to two years, there are some days I wake up in pools of my own sweat, wishing I could just roll out and drive to the beach. Problem is, I have no car, and no beach. I guess I could dump sand in my bed and pass out drinking Coronas and Nyquil (wetting the bed is a lot like peeing in a wet-suit)… but it’s not quite the same.
Now, the above graphic (made in Google Spreadsheets… not as good as M$ PowerPoint 2007 for these purposes, but a perfectly functional and free tool) represents the seven most prevalent factors of consideration taken into account when making the decision where to live after college:
Now this is a winner takes all point, counterpoint. That is, the city that wins the category gets all of the points. If you don’t like the rules, there’s a little red “X” at the top right corner of your screen. You’re gonna wanna go ahead and click that.
Cost of Living
Having gone to school in Westwood for four years, and paying $500 to split a room the size of a walk-in closet, I was pretty much immune to sticker shock anywhere outside of Manhattan. DC is by no means cheap, but it’s certainly cheaper than West Los Angeles.
5 Points, DC
Denizens/Safety
I actually decided to combine these categories because the chart repeated red as a color, which was confusing. Even combined, these categories are low factors for consideration.
DC’s denizens are a hodgepodge of pretentious assholes with an over-valued sense of self-worth, world-saving hippies, self-absorbed hipsters, old-boy southerners, and stodgy locals who hate the transients that price them out of their homes. LA’s demographics are literally all over the map, but for the purposes of comparison we’ll only consider the Santa Monica/Brentwood/Westwood/Manhattan Beach crowds, since that’s where I likely would’ve lived. Um, not my favorite kind of people. How can I put this? … Guys who say “bra” (as in, “what up, bra?”) and girls who say “I know, right?” and wear those big Nicole Richie sunglasses and ugz and mini-skirts and have fake tans and streaked or dipped hair and carry little dogs in Fendi bags (and on and on)…
For safety, I’ve never been a victim of a violent crime in either city, but clearly LA is the safer environment.
5 points, DC – I really hate the people in LA, and the homeless in DC are far more amusing
5 points, LA — Yeah I know I broke my own rules by splitting them up, but I really did intend for them to be separate categories.
Ease of Transportation
Not even close. Growing up in Southern California, you’d think I’d have developed some sort of immunity against the frustration of sitting in traffic (kind of how like New Yorkers develop an immunity against being polite). No. Traffic sucks, and the more you experience it, the more you grow to hate it. Go ahead and take a look at the faces of people driving home in bumper to bumper rush-hour sometime. I’m convinced all pervasive existential depression originates on the 405 freeway.
In DC, I walk 20 minutes to get to work, and metro anywhere else worth going. Plus I don’t have to wake up at 7 every Thursday and Friday to repark my car for street sweeping. Fuck you, LA.
15 points, DC
Meaningful Employment
This was a big draw for me to come to DC. My intention was to work for an NGO, think tank or public affairs firm to gain some worthwhile career experience before applying to a professional school. Well, after doing a BS “fellowship” for a tiny non-profit focused on diplomacy, I was left to scramble for a real job to pay the rent on the lease I signed.
The job I ended up taking wasn’t my first choice or in my preferred field, but it’s been interesting, and I’ve certainly learned the ins and outs of Educational Policy. I could’ve looked elsewhere and made a vertical leap, and I could’ve completely sold out and parlayed a reference into a major-league slimeball lobbying firm, but I knew my time was short and decided to stick it out, and make my “vertical leap” after grad school.
Putting aside my very specific experience, the takeaway here is that anywhere worth working in DC either pays crap or involves selling out in a very tangible way. Whereas LA is chalk full of superficial industries (I probably would’ve worked in real estate development), at least you can leave the office at night with a clear conscience and a light-heart.
25 points, LA — HUGE upset
Nightlife
Now I realize that most people would scoff at me for even considering DC over LA here, but it’s closer than you might think. Although I love Manhattan Beach and am a big fan of Barnie’s Beanery, I loathe (with rare exception) the shi-shi Hollywood/Sunset scene. I appreciate the happy-hour culture of DC, the quality of bar conversations and arguments, and the ability to walk or cab home at the end of the night. Sorry to say, but for me, DC wins.
15 points, DC — Big upset, especially in light of the ugliness factor… DC gets a 6.8 on “hotornot.com”
Proximity to Friends
My closest friends are literally all over the country, but the biggest pocket is actually in the Bay Area and in DC. I think it would’ve been really sad to stay in LA after everyone up and left, and I’m glad I moved.
15 points, DC
Weather
I actually enjoy the winter, but the summer can be hell on earth. No contest here.
15 points, LA
Final Tally
As expected, DC wins by a narrow margin. Although, my priorities are subject to change as I get older. The next test is NYC vs. DC. Or, if I fail out of school, Omaha vs. Santa Monica. That is to say, at my parents house vs. underneath the pier. Stay tuned.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: about me, california, comedy, dc, humor, los angeles, point-counterpoint
