Snarky Behavior

Point, Counterpoint: Where I internally argue two sides of a debate and determine a winner.

[First, housekeeping.] I’ve finally been blogging long enough where I can repeat some of the frameworks I’ve created for myself: Point, counterpoint; Reading Through the Lines; Snarky Heuristics; etc. I’ve also asked my friend Vicky to consider doing some graphic comics on a fairly regular basis… her stuff is really good, but she’s fallen off the horse because, I assume, she “does important things with her life” (yeah Vicky, I called you out). And I might start doing some book reviews (a la Rohit) to supplement the Amazon recommendations I’ve created in the side-bar to the right.

This week’s Point, Counterpoint is on a timely topic. In the life of every American boy, there are exactly two compulsory decisions he must make: whether or not to sign up for selective service (or move to Canada), and whether or not to donate his sperm, to make a quick buck.

The grounds on which the latter decision is made are based on the four following factors: financial desperateness (25%); degree of delusional self-rationalization (15%); likelihood of recognizing off-spring in future (35%); and sexual behavior trade-offs (25%):

Financial Desperateness: Usually the “gateway factor,” financial desperateness is what turns a fanciful day-dream into a cup-in-hand reality. It varies for each individual, and like religion, it’s a question one can only answer for oneself.

In my current situation, after two years of living the single/low rent/no kids lifestyle, I now find myself transitioning to full-on “starving student mode.” This is accompanied by a tightening of the chest, a severe drop in weight, and multiple desperate get-rich quick schemes (see: Example A., “Apartment Viewer.”)

So am I financially desperate? Clearly. 25 Points, Pro-Donation.

Degree of delusional self-rationalization: As in, degree to which you tell yourself, “you know, I could really help someone out there.” There could be some lesbian couple, or some infertile husband, who would really, genuinely like to raise the end-product of my cowpers- covered DNA.

Look, on paper, I’m a fairly attractive genetic specimen. I went to good schools, have high test scores, am fairly tall, healthy, etc. Without sounding too cocky, I gotta think that of the kinds of people donating sperm for money, I’d be in the 90th percentile of worthwhile donors. (Which is another way of saying: I’d probably medal in the Crack-head Olympics).

So that’s the line you sell yourself. “I can really help someone here!” What I fail to realize, of course, is that the outcome of any zygote initiated by one of my egg-seekers is the following:

I don’t want that on my conscience. 15 Points, Anti-Donation.

Likelihood of Recognizing Offspring in the Future- Not to sound too callous here, but if the above child manages to survive a brutal elementary school experience while being raised by two mommies, I don’t want him knocking on my door in 15 years seeking a paternal role-model. And I certainly don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing double-takes on kids who look like they might have spawned from my test-tube/turkey baster. 35 Points, Anti-Donation.

Sexual Behavior Trade-Offs- Sperm donation requires donors to “ abstain from sex or masturbation for three days’ before each donation so that sperm numbers build up to a maximum.”

Not even worth it. 25 points, Anti-Donation.

Final Tally: 75 Points, Anti-Donation. Which is why I’ve never done it. But, pending a precipitous decline in sexual appetite, or a convincing self-argument, the possibility remains that I could be at the local sperm bank in the not-to-distant future. Watch out now!